I'm the one..

you a paper chaser,
you got your block on fire
remaining a G until the moment you expire
you know what it is
you make nothing out of something
you handle your biz and don't be cryin and suffering ...





UH NUH you DI'Nt.

( Read more... )

Things have gotten interesting.


verrrrryyyy interesting.


lol

Been busy these days.

Last week I went to a casting call.
I'm with an agency (again) so I should be moving around a lot more often.

Which reminds me, I have to renew my passport (blah)

Nothing new on the home front.

I think I have a knack from getting myself in trouble.

I don't mind a surprise IM every now and then...but not when it's someone I don't KNOW or want to get to know, for that matter.


Weirdo: What's up kamikaze
fackyallhoes: Whos this?
Weirdo: Your new buddy on the facebook :o)
Weirdo: My name on facebook is *****. You just added me today I
think
fackyallhoes: And you're aiming me because?
Weirdo: Wow lol
Weirdo: Cause I thought you were insanely beautiful
fackyallhoes: How. Sweet
Weirdo: Are u always this bitchy
Weirdo: And mean
fackyallhoes: Yeah and no...I'm a strong character.
Weirdo: Cool I can dig it
Weirdo: Are u going to be ok with me messaging you trying to get to
know you :o)
fackyallhoes: Not really
Weirdo: Why not? Do u really need to be so mean
fackyallhoes: How am I being mean??? I'm just being honest, geeze.
Weirdo: You said "and you're aiming me because..". That's fairly
bitchy. You added me on facebook and your aim is on there!
fackyallhoes: Yeah well, I forgot about that yes. I forgot my aim was there and I
asked you why you were IMing me because that's the logical thing to do
when a stranger IMs you. Or do you make a habit of IMing all the "hot" girls you
can on facebook?
Weirdo: Lol and I said cause you are very beautiful and that's the
logical thing to do when I meet a beautiful woman is try to communicate
with her
fackyallhoes: Well that's endearing, I guess
Weirdo: Lol
Weirdo: Its just communicating its not like I'm showing up where
you work or something lol
fackyallhoes: So you're comparing IMing me to stalking?
Weirdo: Haha no! I'm saying the opposite
Weirdo: That its not that big of a deal to I.M you
fackyallhoes: I know, but u set yourself up for that 1
Weirdo: Lol true
Weirdo: See its not so hard to communicate and get to know me :D
fackyallhoes: K got to go.
Weirdo: Aww dang
Weirdo: What are the chances of taking this to the next level, texting lol
fackyallhoes: NEGATIVE




- block-


I've just been mega busy & quite moody to be dealing with another rat..a super rat! (cue Holly Golightly)

From what I can remember the week was actually pretty chill.

I started school again.
I hung out with old friends and current ones thus smoking myself into near oblivion.
I was high for about 90% of the week so I don't remember what else.

One of my boys got mad at me because I "never call or text" and I told him...and I quote.. "Dude, I do respond 10% of the time..the other 90..well I just forget".

I have nothing else to report.

Seams like meeting new people (read: men) has become a long, arduous task.
Its lost its fun, enjoyment and excitement. I previously stated that I was going to chill out on dating and I certainly stick to that. Not only do I not want a relationship right now, but I'm severely lacking motivation.

I once was speaking to a pretty famous rapper and I remember asking him what his major annoyance was about his profession and his answer caught me by surprise.
"Interviews" he said.
Obviously I asked why and he told me it was because the questions are redundant, superfluous, banal and repetitive.
Words truly are limited and there is only so many ways you can say the same thing over and over again without having it become a boring task.

That's how I'm feeling about boys.
It feels more like job interviews than something fun.

They call and they want to talk- for hours at a time, no less.
They ask about my life, my past and my thoughts on God. If they're smart they'll ask me about my favorite author but they usually ask me about my favorite show. They ask about my zodiac sign and my goals. They want to know my plans for the day or the weekend and I give them my answers which seem to spark more curiosity. They want to know more, but it's been over an hour or two and I'm sick of hearing myself speak.
I find an excuse- any excuse to get off the phone because I'm just sick of talking about my thoughts, theories and philosophies over and over again. I must go and I inform them that I will contact them some other time and then they tell me that it had been forever that they hadn't spoken to a girl as long as they had spoken to me. And, as arrogant ad cocky as it sound, I feign being flattered.

They find the hours-long converation charming and endearing and an accomplishment of sorts, but the truth is that they barely spoke. They just asked tons of questions which I answered. They asked to elaborate and I did. They chimed in in agreement or with their 2 cents but never challenged me, spoke to me, talked to me, taught me. Nope.

It wasn't so much a dialog as a monolog.
Then I go to hang out or watch TV or read and I get texted twice in a matter of a few hours.
"What happened?"
"Well hey, I'm going to bed. I'll call you tomorrow"


But I don't want to talk, I want to read.
I want to know something I didn't know before.
I want peace and solitude. I don't want to entertain you with my thoughts.
I don't want to call you back right now, and I certainly don't want to feel the obligation to

I want to know about Voltaire. I know very little about his works and would like to know more about him..
What about Quantum Physics? If you can, please enlighten me on this because I'm not knowledgeable about it. If you can't, well then I don't know. Tell me something new..anything.

Ugh.
Lately I just feel so...drained.
Like I've invested so much time and energy into these strangers and I've gotten nothing back.
Hours of my days spent on hearing my own voice.


I'm just really longing for some solitude. I want to curl up and read a good book.
I've been very, very social for months and although that's never going to end, I would like some serenity.

I need to recharge my batteries.

This is Sofia Vergara.





She's 37 and still fiercer than most 21 year olds that I know.




When she was 20-something






(google)
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=sofia%20vergara&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi

Yet another sweet weekend.

Just another average night of running away from jilted ex's, friends, bar-hopping and smoking weed with random strangers..oh and "smelling like Barbie's" (whatever the fuck that means).








( Read more... )

Remember dude from my last post?
Bad date guy?

Yesterday morning he text me with a basic hello & told me that he was going to "call me later on tonight" (last night), and I replied and told him not to. I mentioned that I would be busy that night (truth) so he replied telling me to call him whenever I was done with whatever it is I was going to do.

I never called.

Last night he IM'd me.
I didn't respond.
This morning he texts me again.
I don't respond.
This afternoon he calls me twice.
I do not answer.

Look..all I want is a little "me" time, k?
Is that wrong? Do I really have to talk to you because you FEEL like talking to me?

Ok..rule #1 when dealing with a known commitment-phobe. DON'T HARASS THEM. Don't call too often and trust them enough to let them call you back when they said they would.

If you want to break it down to the basic element of his behavior, its greed and selfishness. If someone says they will be busy and will call you back when they can, at least give them the benefit of the doubt that they will. He doesn't think things through and does something because he "feels" like doing it without any consideration that I MAY be busy or I just flat out MAY NOT WANT TO TALK TO HIM ATM. Why force me to? That only makes it worse- that only makes me run the other direction.


I'm sick of attracting "needy" boys. I haven't met someone that isn't clingy since "J" & "M".
I'm sick of dating people with little or nothing to offer! I know that sounds harsh, but its true. I just want to meet someone who has something to teach me. Something to offer. Something to help me with, something to show me that'll help me grow. I want it to be a joint effort.

I'm sick of hearing myself speak all the time. I'm sick of being told how ~*sMARt i Be'Z*~.
I want to be able to tell that to someone!

I just want more.

Sounds greedy and selfish..doesn't it? lol

An eventful weekend to say the least.
I feel like I'm high from the amazingness of it all.










( So many pictures. Not dial-up friendly )

So..
Friday I did my hair.

YAY <3


This was me, yesterday: (getting ready, obv)







For those who haven't noticed the absence of my septum ring, I guess I'll point out the obvious. Its' not there :(.
It fell off while I was sleeping, and I tried to put in a new ring after a few days and- LO AND BEHOLD-the hole was closed (which I didn't expect because its not a new/fresh piercing whatsoever)
I didn't think I'd miss the damn thing as much as I do, but I got attached to that metal booger and I've been thinking about repiercing it, BUT..I'm undecided.

So..to make it easy.. I'll make this into a democratic decision: I ask the people, do you think I should get my septum re pierced?



To peirce?:



Or not to pierce:


Be honest! Give me your honest y/n.
Because if I go for the plunge, it will be within the next few days.
Thnx.

I took a shit load of pix yesterday but they're mainly on Facebook.
You can see them there.

My older brother is pushing me to go back into modeling part-time. And even though I'm a little old (25 in model-years is geriatric) I'm thinking about it after shedding 10-15 lbs...Speaking of weight

Do you want to know whats the best thing about gaining weight??

( slightly NSFW. )

Its takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power" - Alan Cohen.

This week I stood in front of a mountain.

I cleaned out my closet.

I mean that both metaphorically and literally. Literally speaking, I cleaned out my closet. I had to face a mountain of clothes, and shoes that felt monumental. I'm not even kidding when I say, if every shoe I owned were to fall on top of me all at once, cartoon-style- I, my friends, would be dead. Punctured lungs, crushed organs and all. I would be dead.
I remember sitting on the floor in my room and rows of shoes surrounding me in a huge circle that I was sitting in the middle of- Straight up looking like some sort of satanic shoe-worshiping ritual- and wanting to cry because I felt "overwhelmed".

Overwhelmed.
I faced a lot of shit this week, shit I had been avoiding. I threw away a lot of extra baggage. And what I couldn't let go of, I packed it neatly in a box and stored it way back at the end of my closet. A mini time capsule of sorts. One day, maybe when I'm pregnant or married or famous and moving into my gagillion dollar house, I'll open it and wonder why I even bothered keeping it in the first place. Then I'll remember it as a testament of where I've been.

I've done a great deal to fuck myself up these days.
I've done everything in excess. Men, partying, booze, drugs, smoking..You name it, I've probably done it in the past few months, even when I was working I was popping prescrip pills and smoking weed inbetween breaks, and fun as it was, I'm starting to see the damage its doing to my body. The weight I've gained in the past 3 months (About 10 lbs!)- the bags and dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights, the dull skin from lack of proper hydration and smoking a pack per party-night...I'm starting to see that and it's starting to scare me.
Now, granted, I'm not some obese cow with a substance abuse issue- but if I don't hold myself back now, that may just be my not-so-distant future.
I don't want to be a Britney Spears' and the line of fun and self destruction is thin and blurry.


Miami, man. God- I hate it for about as many reasons as I love it.
It's so distracting. Its like my ex said it best when he called it "The melting pot of excess". Thats exactly what it is. Drugs, sex and music at your disposition 24/7, and as hedonistic as I may be, there has to be a time that you got to question whats the point of it all? Were or when is it all going to end? Where am I headed with this?....It can't possibly be good.

Instant vs delayed gratification.

I've spent the better part of my teens and early 20's fluttering around and generally having good times, but I've never taken life serious TBH. It was all about the moment. All about what I can do/get/get away with/have "now" and...It's hit me like a bucket of cold water.
I got to get back on my grind, for real.


I got to catch myself before I continue slipping down the slope of sloth.
.

I know I got a lot of shit to accomplish in my life and its definitely not THIS.

Theres got to be more to life than this.

I didn't want to talk too soon, but I figure I have nothing to lose and I really don't care who knows anyway. After all, this is as public a life and journal as any.

So the word on the street is that I'm kinda, sorta seeing someone ;x

It is true, my friends. It is true.
I'm dating someone new. As of last night he kinda established that between us. (note: notice I said that he established it- I'll get to me later)


Lets talk about him first..
Things have kinda started off a little fast with "Nate" and I. He's been one of those people that you meet and, BOOM, their there..all of a sudden in your life. From one moment to the next.
I met him a couple weeks ago when passi0n and I went bar hopping. He's tall, tattoos, VERY good looking, amazing body (he trains everyday), he's a fighter..like, he's one of those UFC aficionados or some shit. He has 2 jobs, smart, funny, witty, handsome. Very Type-A, a man's man, blah blah blah. You get the point.

So last night he made it clear where we stood. We were on his sofa, just cuddling (I'll get to that later on too) and goofing off, laughing and talking shit, when out of left field he busts out with this "us" talk.
He set it off with "I like you- A LOT". At that point, I looked at him blankly, half-smiled, looked down at his chin (couldn't look him in the eyes), nodded, and said "me too".
I proceeded in letting him do all the talking while I just kept nodding and agreeing to it all. In conclusion, he said we were dating and that I'm his girl.

I think its pretty needless to say that while all this was happening, I had the slight urge to run out the fucking back door.


The truth is, people and pedobears, that I do like him but I'm bugged out that this is going too fast.
Yesterday there was one moment, when we were sitting on his couch, and he stretched out, layed down and pulled me up to lay my body on top of his (nothing freaky, pedobear). We were just laying there, my body on top of his, as he was holding me with one arm and and tickling my arm and playing with my hair with the other. All the while I couldn't relax for the life of me. I was trying my best to hide my feeling of claustrophobia, but I honestly felt like I was about to have an anxiety attack at any moment. I couldn't do it.
I finally got up and sat Indian style and the end of the couch, face in hand, while I ran my fingers through my head/hair. He asked what was wrong and I complained of a mega-headache, homework and needing to study for my quiz and upcoming test.
I lied, obviously.
Truth is I couldn't continue feeling like I had to force myself to show affection that isn't even there yet.
I couldn't fake it. I couldn't just let myself go long enough to cuddle with the poor guy.

Maybe this is a normal fear associated with doing things with someone new? Maybe giving up the partying and single life is too much for me right now? Maybe my commitment issues are deeper and more serious than I thought? Maybe I'm trying to force myself to be ready?
I don't know.
I really don't.

When you meet the person you're meant to/supposed to be with, do you "just know" like everyone says, or is that just what eharmony commercials want to feed to the masses?
I don't know.

One thing I do know is that he and this (whatever "this" is) does deserve a fair chance

Right?

Its raining.
But its not the scary kind of raining that makes the tree branches hit your window. No. Its just peaceful.

The sound of the rain hitting the earth is so redeeming.
Its these kind of moments that make you shut off your ipod and just look out the window and listen.
I forgot how much comfort there was in solitude.
I forgot how nice it can feel inside.

The night is perfect.


I wanted to update, but I don't want to make this a TL;DR kind of post.
So in a nuttshell:

- I met a boy that I stayed up with until the break of dawn.
- I got some idiot kicked out of the club because he basically walked up and fondled my leg and wouldn't leave me alone so security (who saw him feel up my thigh) came to my rescue and 'escorted' (read: pushed him) out of the club. Its kind of embarrassing when everyone stops and stares at you because of some other asshole who couldn't control himself.
- I somehow got myself in a local Newspaper.
- I have roughly around 220 people on my phone list and I only speak to about 15 on a regular basis.
- Today I redyed my hair a deep, rich, inky black. My hair was getting into the dark brown stage but I had killer light brown roots. It wasn't its finest moment. No.
- My ex boy toy (The one who was in a HXC band then found Jesus and turned Bible-reader) just text me asking if I know where I can get him rolls (ecstasy). EL OH EL. I kinda don't want to respond. I don't want to contribute to his souls' corruption or anything.

*sigh*
I want to write more, but I have the urge to cuddle up under a blanky and hear the rain hit the window glass.

MY WEEKEND HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN!!!


Aqua B and I are going to proceed in smoking the biggest, fattiest blunt this side of the motherfucking Mason-Dixie line.

So last night my ever-so-fierce Miss Mel and I met up with some of her peeps and went to the The Improv and pretty much laughed our asses off.
I love comedy clubs. There is such a fun element about them.

(Note to self: Frequent them more often.)


Dudes and Dudettes,
My major announcement of the week is that I have a midterm next Wednesday and I am so not looking forward to that. I must find time this weekend to study hard.

I wish I could write out some long, dramatic entry about something thats bothering me or fucking up my life, but I can't find ANYTHING wrong right now.
I am the happiest and most peaceful I've been in a really long time.

Thats it.

My life rules right now.
My friends are amazing.
Dare I say, I'm HAPPY! -looks over shoulder-

Anyways- I leave you with pix from last night.


Oh hey, boys!

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So I may be a little out of control, but irresponsible I am not.
After a Sunday night/morning of partying my ass off with Diddi, I got home to catch a whooping 3 hours of sleep and STILL woke up in time for school and was as sharp as a tack (if not slightly hungover)the whole time.

Granted, I have my beautiful boy of a philosophy professor to kinda thank for the motivation, but still..I still think its an accomplishment of sorts.

Call it dehydration or what-not, but I believe 7 empty water bottles equals pure, hard evidence of yet another phenomenal weekend.

And phenomenal it was...


Its been a while since I've posted pictures, so I shall leave you with these (the last set were from last night)...



lol what-fucking-ever
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Progress has been made.

Yesterday was a reawakening of sorts.

I think I'm going to pick up my dreams where I left them off.

I'm in a weird place. A very weird place.

There is so much I let go of, so much I dismissed and gave up on but yesterday Mellie asked a very poignant question. She asked "What do you have to hide from?".


What do I have to lose?

Seriously. Every time I plan out my life, something happens so absolutely fucked up that it brings me back to ground zero.

Every time I settle into normalcy and get a "normal" job, a "normal" life, set a "normal" goal, get a "normal" this or that, it always ends up fucking up QUICKLY.


I feel like I've been punched in my stomach, in more ways than one (I did ab work-outs that make my muscles feel like spaghetti).

I don't know where I'm going and wherever it is I'm definitely taking one step at a time....



but I know I'm going somewhere

Um,..somehow I think the Japanese may be behind the pedobear phenomenon




































































http://pedobear.org/1.html
http://pedobearpics.com/1


BLAME JAPAN